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November 11, 2010
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September 20, 2010
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June 16, 2010
AboveNet's secure fibre network connects to London's Telehouse West data centre
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June 7, 2010
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A. Nose job. She had them thin the bridge of the nose. Now it makes us sound like dicks to say she did it to make herself look "less Jewish" but the truth is, the procedure is depressingly very common for that exact reason. The first nose job ever performed was on a Jewish patient, in an era when it wasn't done out of vanity, but because of the terrible things that tended to happen to Jews in those days. So our society has advanced, but only to the point that you still have to do the procedure if you want to sell a certain number of bikini posters. B. Cheek implants. Fuller, higher cheeks give her a more "All American" or Midwestern look. After making the change to wholesome blonde, Margolis's bikini pics became a sensation in 1995, on some newfangled device called "the World Wide Web." She soon became a modeling phenomenon, advertised oakley fanny pack as "The Sexiest Woman Online." However, this life of extreme fame and fortune, just for laying around, is eclipsed by her greatest achievement: Her own reality show where douchebags line up to win her affections. He spent the next 30 years beating the shit out of hapless opponents in hilarious ways. Lindsay Price, meanwhile, saw her career sputter after her role as Janet on 90210 was through. Her roles were limited to guest parts and horrible, tanking TV shows. Of course, tough times can usually be expected from someone whose mom and dad are adopted siblings. A. Both Lindsay whose father was Korean and Jackie had blepharoplasty, more commonly known as an eyelid tuck. This is a hugely popular surgery among Asians, where the eyelids are given an extra forced fold to appear more open and "Western." Jackie Chan supposedly had his done back in 1976, knowing that being a movie star meant getting discount oakley eyeglasses a foot in the door in Hollywood, where the attitude was that stars of kung fu movies should look Asian, but not that Asian. B. Lindsay also had a chin implant, which gives the jaw a rounder, more Caucasian look. Interestingly, these implants are traditionally done with silicone, which explains the common desire to motorboat Lindsay's chin. One of the defining silver screen sex symbols, Rita Hayworth was born with the much less American sounding name, Margarita Carmen Cansino. She was raised in a Spanish dance family, and spent much of her childhood dancing in bars (see? It's totally a legitimate way to raise a kid.) After Hayworth, er, Cansino's father moved the family to Hollywood, the 16 year old signed with Fox studios. She tried a few minor roles, but never got her big break. Fox studios decided not to renew her option. Columbia Pictures came along and, not being much for political correctness, pretty much told Cansino that her lack of success was due to her being way too Spanish y. So, Cansino agreed to go along with a few surgical processes, such as: A. Painful Hairline Electrolysis Cansino had a low hairline, which pegged her as a Latina. This is the same discrimination which kept Vega out of the World Warrior tournament, until he wore a mask to conceal his hairline. Cansino submitted to getting electric shocks to kill her follicles and stop them from growing. Keep in mind this is the 1930s, when "anaesthesiology" usually meant "stroking your hand while you chugged from a flask of bourbon." Next time you have a hot hair curler or a live wire, poke yourself in the forehead with it several hundred times. Now you're as pretty as Rita Hayworth. well, not yet, you still need some. Now that you've got fresh shock marks on your forehead, scrub them with this bleach solution. That's exactly what Cansino did, all over her entire body. Skin lightening is a dangerously unregulated practice even now, but it was significantly worse 70 years ago. But, Cansino wasn't done yet, before she signed with Columbia, she also had to have a. Not five years before, the young immigrant's daughter was dancing in smoky bars for coins. After her "honky fication," she became the hottest thing in sanctioned Armed Forces self pleasure. A picture of her kneeling on a bed in a nightgown sold 5 million copies. Her likeness was fashioned on the side of atomic bombs. Columbia starred Hayworth in many successful pictures, most notably, Gilda. Rita Hayworth found herself dancing with stars like Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly. Eventually, she settled down and married a prince. The next time somebody tells you the path to success is "just be yourself," tell them Rita's inspirational story. It's all about skin bleaching. So let's say it's 1990 and you're a white Vietnam War veteran with several communications degrees and some seriously aggressive social skills. You also, somehow, need to land a job. Instead of buying a fake wheelchair, tucking his arms into his coat, and begging for money on the street, Ward Churchill did the only slightly less questionable move of pretending he was American Indian to get a job as a professor. In terms of flipping race for profit, every single celebrity we've listed makes Ward Churchill look lazy. Churchill's solution to changing his honky heritage was to put on a pair of sunglasses. Native American. The glasses add persecution. When questioned about his heritage, Churchill mentions he was a member of a tribe called the United Keetoowah Band. It turns out this a tribe who gives out cards to many non native celebs, including Bill Clinton. Then, things began looking extra grim for the university when Churchill published a paper comparing 2001 WTC employees to the orchestrators of the Holocaust.

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