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November 11, 2010
AboveNet Expands High Bandwidth Services Portfolio in London
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November 8, 2010
AboveNet Connects with CENX to Expand High Bandwidth Network
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September 20, 2010
AboveNet Expands to key European Markets
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June 16, 2010
AboveNet's secure fibre network connects to London's Telehouse West data centre
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June 7, 2010
AboveNet Expands Metro Portfolio with Launch of Core Wave Services
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As teenagers, we all went through that phase where everything in your house looks like oakley custom radar white chrome frames a vagina or a penis, depending on your preference it's the one thing American Pie got right about the human condition. Most grow out of that phase eventually, while others start companies devoted to turning everyday items into things you can actually fuck, like perverted MacGyvers. If we keep moving in the direction of the unsettling trend set by these devices, the house of the future will be made entirely out of vibrators. Devices like . For those familiar with the singular terror of someone going through your purse when you know there's a sex toy in it, the Screaming O Studio Collection is designed to both prevent and amplify this situation because if you buy it, everything in your purse will be a sex toy. The kit includes vibrators that look like tubes of lipstick and mascara or makeup brushes, which doesn't sound so bad, but then there's the "orgasm enhancing lip gloss" and "warming and cooling balms disguised as eye shadows." That sort of trickery carries the risk of grave consequences if you mistake your stealth dildo for what it's disguised as. How many embarrassed appointments to the ophthalmologist do you think The Screaming O has been responsible for so far? Conversely, how many careless customers have accidentally applied mascara to their pubes? What the hell is "orgasm enhancing lip gloss," anyway? Our investigation has only raised more questions. It appears to be basically Carmex, which you'll recognize as No. 7 on the list of things nobody wants anywhere near their genitals. It comes in cinnamon and mint flavors, which are Nos. 5 and 8, respectively. Concerns about this product quickly turn from functional to ethical and downright existential. What kind of person needs to carry an assortment of vibrators on them at all times? They probably have little need for discretion but plenty for the kinds of meetings held in church basements where you don't learn anyone's last names. Ask any single woman you know how much money she spends on batteries, and prepare for some soothing shoulder patting. There's also the bonus of never running out of juice at an inopportune time (that's what husbands are for), but that's really the logical extent of the functionality. The makers of The Duet, on the other hand, figured that if they were going to make a vibrator that looks and acts like a thumb drive, why not make it an actual thumb drive? The answer, of course, is "so many reasons." Crave, Inc. Technically, you're the docking station. The Duet packs up to 16GB of storage, which is more than the devices some of you are using to read this article. To put that in perspective, that's enough to hold every season of Game of Thrones. You should have strong reservations about sticking that in your crotch, though, if only because it seems like a bad omen. Hasn't poor Theon been through enough already? Some of you are thinking, "Shit, 16 gigs is great! I can store half my porn collection!" Which, yeah, makes sense . The Duet is also waterproof for bath time fun, making it more convenient than that big toaster you've been sticking into your butt up until now. According to the video that (naturally) made to explain how it works, "The band contains a valve with a small weight inside that generates and stores energy when moved in an up and down motion. . Now just plug any device you need charged into the USB port oakley x charge custom road bikes on the band smartphone, laptop, camera, tablet and voila," your very own masturbation circuit. As well as the spokesman sells it, rattling off the benefits of "loving the planet by loving yourself" and "turning your jobless roommate into a productive person," we can't help but notice some flaws in their genius plan. For one thing, anyone wearing this ugly item is going to have to significantly lower their standards even to fuck themselves. For another, you're going to sheer your dick skin right off if you hope to store enough power to usefully charge anything.

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