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Sleepless in Seattle, The Parent Trap, Kindergarden Cop, The Mighty Ducks There are about 25 million kids in single parent households in the US alone, and a whole lot of them would like one of those cool dual parent deals their friends have. Hollywood knows this. That's why they love to show kids scenarios where they help their parents find romance (just ask the young Lindsay Lohan in the Parent Trap remake!). Hey, look, the new handsome oakley expands prizm line with eyewear designed for water kindergarten teacher just happens to be the ideal match for your spinster mother, and he's a former body builder to boot! The world is magical! This one has a corollary, which is, "Your step parents are always jerks who just want to spoil your fun. So the movies convince these kids they know everything they need to know to be terrific matchmakers. Now, how exactly how can we expect people who still think girls have cooties to understand the rules of dating? They don't even understand the fundamentals, like the importance of boobies. What kids need to learn is that even though the lunch lady may seem cool because she gave you two churros, your dad is more likely to be concerned about her harelip than her mashed potatoes. And no, it's not a good idea to try to reunite your parents by setting them up on an elaborately conceived "coincidental" meeting while you keep your evil stepmom occupied with childish pranks. If movies worked like the real world, we'd have had nothing but two hours of Lindsay Lohan crying off the pain of being flogged like a redheaded stepchild. The filthy, scary guy? The one rumored to be a serial killer? Just an eccentric. Why, getting to know either one of these folks could give you brand new insights that will help you mature and grow! This one also has a corollary, which is, "The mythical junkyard monster is actually a big friendly dog." In the real world, kids should not talk to the scary man with the moustache, the eyebrows that connect and the windowless van. He did not offer you that candy bar because he is a former baseball star looking to regale you with tales of pitching against Babe Ruth. And for that matter, in the real world, "Beware of Dog" signs aren't warning you that you'll be covered with Saint Bernard slobber while trying to recover your baseball. It means the dog's owner is tired of getting every time his dog bites off a toddler's arm. In movies, investigating the scary places always works out for kids. And sure, we should reward bravery, open mindedness and curiosity. If they do somehow remember it, you won't go down as the tough kid who had the courage to meet the ultimate dare. You'll just be remembered as that weirdo who, under mild peer pressure, once ate a dog turd. (It's just a melted Snickers bar.) Kids don't exactly have good judgment anyway (another reason they're not allowed to run for office) but having Hollywood depict the guy who eats a handful of earthworms as some kind of schoolwide hero is not going to help the situation. Sure, they'd like to teach kids to stand up to a crowd of dumbasses, but then how are they supposed to get the main character's head stuck in a toilet? They can either give him a near psychotic aversion to being called chicken or rewrite the character to be functionally retarded. So, yeah, basically one option. Eighty percent of the reason being a kid sucks is you can't drive. You can't just zoom across town whenever you feel like it, you've got to wait for Mom or Dad to get home, or save up your allowance for cab fare, or latch onto the back of a garbage truck. Your ability to participate in adult level adventures is thus severely limited. To smooth over this depressing fact, Hollywood gives kids Lance Armstrong esque biking abilities. In reality, the Goonies kids would wind up getting to the shore well after dark, too winded to even walk and having lost their hilarious fat buddy Chunk to a heart attack on that last hill climb. Taking the pro bike propaganda a step further, kids movies often paint kids who aren't riding a bike as insanely hostile toward anyone caught pedaling. In both The Goonies and The Karate Kid main characters are pushed off a cliff for daring to be on something not propelled by a motor. Coyote made millions for Warner Brothers by driving home the fact that even with superior technology and elaborate planning, no one will ever catch the good guys, because the bad guys will always forget products oakley pour hommes et pour femmes the little details. Like the giant fucking mountain in the way of the rocket. There is a whole genre of kid adventure movies that drive home the same point, that the bad guys who're after you will always make some stupid mistake or, most importantly, underestimate you. They can't hope to match the smarts and sheer moxie of a fast, clever kid!

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