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September 20, 2010
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If you're into comic book characters, this current explosion of superhero cinema is basically an ongoing orgy of amazingness. Even weirdos like Deadpool and Ant Man are getting movies and, more surprisingly, they're actually profitable. Hollywood could probably have Armless Tiger Man battle Snowflame, the cocaine powered supervillain and, at worst, double their money. It's that much of a spandexed renaissance. If you're into comic books, however, you should be pretty pissed off right now. Why? Because it turns out those gorgeous movie types cosplaying as your favorite ink and paper creations are ruining them more than they'll ever know or care about. Before you buy a ticket to the latest cowl heavy blockbuster, consider that . Along with Sam Raimi's Spider Man, Bryan Singer's X Men movies are often credited with digging the superhero genre out of the gutter by finally treating the source material with respect. This is slightly ironic, considering that Singer apparently hates that material. In fact, according to Hugh Jackman, Singer outright banned X Men comics on set. "Yeah, I love 137 but, personally, 142 is . Bryan! H How long have you been there?" Singer's reasoning? He wanted realistic, three dimensional acting and feared reading weird, dumb baby comics would possess the actors into performing "over the top" and thus killing believability. Because when you're making a movie about a 160 year old man with giant steel claws and a flying woman who can control the weather by shouting, "WEATHER, DO THE THING NOW," you absolutely must be subtle about it. Josh Trank, who directed the 2015 Fantastic Four reboot, also told actors not to read Fantastic Four comics at all, but, OK, you probably saw that one coming. Then there's director David Goyer, who understands literally nothing about comics and respects them even less, despite writing three Blade films, two Ghost Rider films, two Superman films, and four Batman films. When asked about Marvel's She Hulk, he dismissed her as nothing but "a giant green porn star," created by horny, powerless men and masturbated to by hornier, even more powerless men. And the Hulk. According to Goyer, She Hulk exists simply to be the only girl Hulk can bone without squashing her like Bambi under Godzilla's foot. There's a tiny hole in this theory: She Hulk isn't Hulk's girlfriend; she's his cousin. And a lawyer. Perhaps Goyer endured something traumatic in his childhood involving the color green, because he also shat all over classic DC Comics superhero (and perpetual Justice League member) the Martian Manhunter. After asking a crowd how many people had heard of the character, he followed up with, "How many people that raised their hands have ever been laid?" He then called the character's name and origin stupid and proceeded to describe a new one where he's grown in Area 51, breaks out, and "fucks She Hulk" (who lives in another universe). We're only 60 percent sure that last part was a joke. More recently, Snyder outright said he likes Batman and Superman not because they're superheroes but because they're better than superheroes. Soak in these words of wisdom: Ant Man has been around for over 50 years, and his movie just made half a billion dollars. He's as much a "flavor of the week" as The Beatles are. All this proves is that Snyder grossly misunderstands other heroes MORE than he grossly misunderstands Superman. Also, don't tease us about Blankman 2 if you're not going to deliver. That's just mean. Hulk's posture has improved considerably. Aside from the Marvel Universe's growing stray dog problem, notice the complete lack of X Men? They were front and center in 2007, as you'd expect from one of Marvel's top cash cows. But in 2015, they're nowhere to be found. They're not in front, they're not in the middle they can't even chill in the back with Doc Ock and Devil Dinosaur. Why so callously demote the Godfather of Marvel franchises down to Fredo like they just did? The answer is depressingly simple: Marvel doesn't own the rights to X Men movies; Fox does. Marvel makes no money off those films Fox rubs its dick on the profits and dares Marvel to sniff them. New characters immediately become creative fodder for Fox, and the last thing Marvel wants is to help their enemies make more money. They've even written it into the storylines the new series Extraordinary X Men boasts a cataclysmic event that outright sterilizes mutants so they can't baby up and keep the superpower gene pool nice and wet. As Storm laments, "This oakley immerse is all there is . this is all there will ever be."This leaves Fox with a pitiful 244 characters to choose from. The already existing characters aren't faring much better. Take everyone's favorite Hairy Sue, Wolverine, who died two years ago and has pulled a Bruce's parents by (alternate universe versions of Wolverine aside) actually staying dead. Just as he's making shitloads of money for Fox. Weeeeeeird. But the X Pawns aren't the only victims of Marvel cutting off the spandex to spite Rupert Murdoch the Fantastic Four movie rights also belong to Fox and, despite their movies being less profitable than a child's lemonade stand, Marvel still doesn't want to give their rival any ammunition whatsoever. For example, Marvel banned any trading cards featuring anybody from The Fantastic Four, hero or villain. Then there's how Marvel just straight up Fantastic Four comic, because what better way to ensure the other kids can't play with your toys than to set them oakley line miner goggles on fire? Marvel absolutely would've done the same with X Men, except they're still too popular for an outright canning. But it's (probably) coming. Enough go nowhere stories, with no new faces and no living Logan and the entire mutant world will end with a whimper. Because why bother rewarding someone for their ideas if they're not pretty enough to act them out?

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